KICKED IN THE BOLLOCKS BY LOVE........

Well, well, well....what can I say.  Yep.  It's true.  The hopes and dreams (along with the compromises and denial) have come to a rather abrupt end.  Yes folks, my 'lovely' relationship has ended.  3 months after moving in together. I KNOW!! And after TEN years of living on my own!  It's a 'whiskey tango foxtrot' moment big time!  Without the gory details...although we all enjoy gory details, I can tell you this.  Have you ever tried driving with the brakes on?  Not very effective is it?  Well when one person is in a relationship and his/her emotional brakes are on....it ain't gonna work!
Another thing.  What's the big deal with crying?  I know I don't like it, and try and squash it, avoid it, and am hugely ashamed when I do do it.  Now why is that really?  It's just an expression of emotion, correct?  We laugh.  We cry.  So there's crying, do it.  I'm for it. 
I've written about courage and having the strength to take a leap of faith before.  I did that and the bollock kicking ensued.  Well that kind of sucks to be sure.  I did really want it to work....did I REEEEEEEALLY believe it would?  Ahhhhhhh therein lies the rub now doesn't it?  I will state for the record here.....I'm afraid I sold out.  I put a muzzle on the voice in my head that was yelling at me DON'T!  Shaddup in there, I'm trying to do something dumb.  Crikey, can't hear myself think for all that yelling to STOP and TURN AROUND and IT'S WRONG WRONG WRONG!  Reminds me of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.......'YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!'......how do THEY know where we're going?  Digression.  In spite of the writing on the wall and hoarse shouting voice in my head I pressed on.  There were some rather important elements that were 'off' but I figured, hey, it's not THAT bad.......woe is me for betraying myself in that matter.  It's not THAT bad????  Really?  I actually allowed that to be sufficient.  And to no good end result either.  Of course not because it's not that bad ALWAYS turns into it's THAT bad. 
For the record let me state that my now EX boyfriend is a stand up guy.  Truth be told, this is the best break up I've ever had!  He's being a champion and looking after me, getting me re-established in my home, removing the financial worry and generally doing all in his power to help me deal.  Rather rare I know(but I did choose him after all).  The heart wants what the heart wants.  His wants somebody else.  It doesn't really matter that that someone else is a complete prat.....the point is....it's NOT me and never has been.  Guess I'm just not 'prat enuff'......hahahahahaaa....okay, okay....I promised myself to keep this diplomatic and truthful.  An effective, petty free zone and all that. 
Bottom line I can't drive with the brakes on.  Nor do I want to.  I'll leave that to the boneheads driving around mall parking lots.  So it's time to take stock and regroup.  Whatever happens with him and his choices.....well good bloody luck to you mate.  Back to me.  There are things beyond my control - fair enough.  However there are a GREAT many things WITHIN my control.  That's our focus.  There is no wasting of time and energy thrashing about regretting and wallowing on 'what could have been'......disclaimer:  Unless I've had a couple of cocktails, in which case all bets are off!  But it's all healthy gotta go through it stuff anyhow.
No, now it's time to be the kindest and most loving person I can be...to me.  I got my heart broken.  It hurts.  How to help heal?  Take care of YOU.  I'm finding the strength and nuts to move forward.  Every day is better.  Some nights are crap.  It's been 2 weeks and already the evolution is stunning.  I have refocused inward and am being the best friend I can be to yours truly.  And it's working.
I am stunningly blessed by the family and friends I have.  I am grateful every day for them.  I continue to look forward.  With an open mind and open heart.  Will I date again?  HELL yes.  Will I love again?  F*CK yes!  (sorry, language.....but I did use an asterisk).  And will I one day marry again........you bet yer sweet bippy.  Why the rass not? 
So my darlings......I know it's been forever since I've put pen to paper in an effort to entertain and inform.....but here I be.  For all and sundry to look upon and see my truth. 
This blog will suck the high hind one unfortunately because I cannot find my fantastic stock of free images to upload......always better with piccies!  But hopefully my words will give you something to enjoy.
Stay strong and keep it real.  Everyone. 
And when you least expect it..........something wonderful happens.
Thank you Mr. K for reminding me what dumb is and how I should feel.  And for making me laugh my balls off!  And for the renewal of entertaining fairy tales....
xoxo