HURL THAT SCALE OUT THE WINDOW!!

Woooo Hoooo!  No more weighing yourself!  You know how it goes, first thing   AFTER your morning BM (poop in case you're wondering).  You remove every stitch of clothing.  All jewelry.  You shave your legs, you exfoliate yet still keep one hand on something you can lean against just in case the number looks too scary!  Well there's been so much fodder about what your weight 'should' be according to some very generic parameters that it really isn't a very accurate number.  Here's the deal: your WAIST size is more important than your weight!
Dr. Oz says "When belly fat presses on your kidneys, the bean-shaped organs feel smothered and they panic. In response, they flood your bloodstream with hormones that raise your BP. Think of abdominal obesity as your early warning system for high BP."
So instead of a nasty, gnarly, definitely lying out to get you scale, .....get yourself a pretty coloured tape measure and measure your waist instead of your weight! 
Here's the guidelines.  Now remember, your overall health is NOT summed up by waist measurement alone, your BMI count could still very well be high depending on your height and weight, so assess that accordingly. (instructions on BMI calculating to follow.....)

Women



Optimal waist size: under 33 inches


Danger zone: 37 inches or more

Men


Optimal waist size: 35 inches or less


Danger zone: 40 inches or more

Simple enough, right?  Right.  Now...onto BMI......which is THE accurate way to assess your body's health in relation to fat content. 
Are we getting too serious?  OK, here's a joke: Why do blondes have more fun?  Because they're easier to find in the dark!  HA!  Good one, no?  Righto, back to the task at hand.....kicking Fatty Boom-Boom's Butt!
 
Your BMI......it really doesn't get any easier than this.  Go here: http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ and populate your height and weight.  Now my little Poppets....DON'T LIE.....come on now.....you're alone, nobody will see and nobody needs to know except you!  Just like when you threw that half eaten bag of chips into the garbage in a sudden burst of will power and then slunk back to carefully remove them and eat more......WHAAAAT?????? THAT NEVER HAPPENED!!!  NOBODY SAW ME, CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!!!

And another thing.....12 minutes of fast walking is BETTER than slow jogging.  Still getting my head around that one!

ODDS AND SODS - HUMPTY DUMPTY WAS PUSHED....

In case you're wondering what's up with the Humpty Dumpty thing.....it's something I say every Wednesday.  Makes sense, no?  Lemme s'plain.  See you know how everyone says 'Hump' day on Wednesday....welllll...Hump.....Humpty Dumpty.....and the inevitable solving of the whole crashing egg crime...he was most assuredly pushed.  So that's that.  Now then, onto bigger and better things.

My good buddy John Tesh......noooooo he's not 'actually' my buddy yet...but he WILL be......provides some terrific info on his 'Intelligence for your Life' show.  Something he spoke about which interested me to no end was the 'Skinny People have a Secret' segment.  Oh I'll just bet they do..... rasn frasn.....so here are four items to ponder and hopefully ACT on.
Ready?  Go.

Do weights and aerobics. Weights increase your body's fat-burning ability, and for every pound of muscle you gain from lifting, your metabolism burns 40 more calories a day.  (good numbers but we know this, right?)


Eat peas. They have lots of fiber, iron, vitamin C and folic acid, and can help prevent cancer, heart disease and birth defects. What's more, a cup of peas has almost nine grams of protein, a lot more than most vegetables. (Hey now....first I'm hearing of this.....PEAS????  Who knew?  I like peas.  Cool.)

Wake up early. Morning sunshine increases the amount of cortisol in your body, and that boosts your metabolism and helps you deal with stress. Research shows that sunlight later in the day doesn't have the same effect. (I hadn't the foggiest idea about this one folks.....set that alarm...no more Sluggabeds!)

If you have 12 minutes to spare, take a fast walk instead of a jog. Why? Walking a mile in 12 minutes burns 4% more calories than jogging, because walking fast is harder than jogging slowly.  (OK now THIS one has me rather gobsmacked.  Here I am jogging rather than walking thinking it's better and more effective.  Oh my stars!  This IS good news!)

So there's some of the secret, not a very good secret clearly as it's OUT.  I think there's more than likely other parts to the secret but we can start with mulling this for now.

More secrets to be revealed shortly......as soon as I either invent them or unearth them!  Stay tuned!  Shhhhhhh

EVERYBODY POOPS - except when you're in a new relationship!!

Can you all relate to that??  Some of you may be in an older relationship, or not in one at all, but I'm sure you can harken back to a time when there was a 'no-can poop' zone at the beginning of a relationship!  Take 'Betty' for example....and no that's not her real name.  She's a couple of months into a new relationship and she's Miss Giddy-Von-Giddyson.......EXCEPT for the body functions. 
You will see that this story comes as a WARNING of what can happen if you don't get over the whole 'I'll never poop if he's in the house' syndrome. 
So.  One lovely morning Betty wakes up next to her new beau.....let's call him....BARNEY!  They've spent yet another blissful evening and night together......everybody is very chill, feeling the luuuuuurve all around, it's the Love Boat all kinds.....even morning breath hasn't started to feature in yet.......and all of a sudden ' UH OHHHHHHH'........Betty feels some very ominous rumblings.  They're the kind that promise a big show, lots of splashing and more than likely a horn section to boot!  You KNOW what I'm talking about, don't play coy!  Oh yeah....it's the 'I ate too much rich food and chugged a bottle of wine and I'm gonna be REAL sorry REAL soon' morning bowel movement anouncement!  But erlack!  BARNEY is in the house!  Not only that....he's in the bed next to Betty and her suddenly spiteful and malevolent bowels!  What to do! What to do! 
(are ya feeling her pain folks?)
So Barney's thinking....hey, we got some time....how about a little.....OH.  Okay, Betty doesn't seem to be in the mood for Nub this a.m.  Huh.  Oh well.....okay......now here's where the window opens.  Unfortunately for Barney, he's a smoker.  Fortunately for Betty, Barney's a smoker.  He slithers out of bed with morning erection bobbing happily, spelling his own name in the air and saunters out the door.
'Hey Bets, I'm gonna go for a quick Buttsky!'
OPPORTUNITY CALLING BETTY!!!  Oh yeah, Betty's no slouch.  She waits until he's down the corridor and LEAPS out of the bed, grabbing robe en route to the powder room.  Her bowels are now filled with malice and a dreadful sense of urgency.  Who's gonna win this race??  Can you imagine???  An accident of the WORST degree right there in the hallway, just in time for new flame Barney to come and slip on probably breaking a hip??  Oh my heavenly stars....no, no, no, no....must rush, must make it....clench dammit, CLENCH!
Success!  Door is closed.  Barney's outside sucking on a cancer stick.  Betty's on the Loo.  Heaving a giant sigh of relief, trusty bottle of 'Just A Drop' ready, she relaxes and prepares to set free the threatening enemy lurking in her innards.
Nothing.
Nada.
Nietke.
Bupkus.
WHAAAAAAAT????  Where is it????  She gives an experimental push.....yep....it's there.....but for some reason playing hard to get now!  NOOOOO!!!  This is a time limited offer sports fans!!  It's gotta happen NOW dammit!!!  Barney will be back in minutes!!!  So our girl Betty makes the big mistake.  She PUSHES with everything she's got!  Oh sure.....the missile launches and everything.......she gets away with it......then I get the call a couple of days later.
'Errm....Jess, I need to ask you a question....it's regarding my bumhole.....'

So sports fans, do you know what happened?  Any guesses?  Well sure as shinola our intrepid heroine gave herself a HEMORRHOID!!!  Her first!!  How sad.......cause ya know...once one makes an appearance....well the rest is history.

What have we learned here today?  Well, one MUST keep certain things private and sacred in order to preserve the sexiness and mystique.  I'm not saying commence Poop contests asap with your man to see who can out-poop the other....hey Babe...you GOTTA see this!!!  No, no, no.....BUT......one MUST get an understanding that the humans involved in this new relationship poop.  And other stuff.  Stuff that involves going off on your own for a little sequestered time in the piddly diddly department.  Tell him, darling, I need to go take care of some cute, girly stuff in the Loo....would you mind leaving?  Or perhaps turning the TV up?  Whistling maybe?  Just so I'm able to do what I need to do....?  Thanks. 
You're a pet. 
Meet you in the bedroom in 12 minutes!
muahhh!