EVERYBODY POOPS - except when you're in a new relationship!!

Can you all relate to that??  Some of you may be in an older relationship, or not in one at all, but I'm sure you can harken back to a time when there was a 'no-can poop' zone at the beginning of a relationship!  Take 'Betty' for example....and no that's not her real name.  She's a couple of months into a new relationship and she's Miss Giddy-Von-Giddyson.......EXCEPT for the body functions. 
You will see that this story comes as a WARNING of what can happen if you don't get over the whole 'I'll never poop if he's in the house' syndrome. 
So.  One lovely morning Betty wakes up next to her new beau.....let's call him....BARNEY!  They've spent yet another blissful evening and night together......everybody is very chill, feeling the luuuuuurve all around, it's the Love Boat all kinds.....even morning breath hasn't started to feature in yet.......and all of a sudden ' UH OHHHHHHH'........Betty feels some very ominous rumblings.  They're the kind that promise a big show, lots of splashing and more than likely a horn section to boot!  You KNOW what I'm talking about, don't play coy!  Oh yeah....it's the 'I ate too much rich food and chugged a bottle of wine and I'm gonna be REAL sorry REAL soon' morning bowel movement anouncement!  But erlack!  BARNEY is in the house!  Not only that....he's in the bed next to Betty and her suddenly spiteful and malevolent bowels!  What to do! What to do! 
(are ya feeling her pain folks?)
So Barney's thinking....hey, we got some time....how about a little.....OH.  Okay, Betty doesn't seem to be in the mood for Nub this a.m.  Huh.  Oh well.....okay......now here's where the window opens.  Unfortunately for Barney, he's a smoker.  Fortunately for Betty, Barney's a smoker.  He slithers out of bed with morning erection bobbing happily, spelling his own name in the air and saunters out the door.
'Hey Bets, I'm gonna go for a quick Buttsky!'
OPPORTUNITY CALLING BETTY!!!  Oh yeah, Betty's no slouch.  She waits until he's down the corridor and LEAPS out of the bed, grabbing robe en route to the powder room.  Her bowels are now filled with malice and a dreadful sense of urgency.  Who's gonna win this race??  Can you imagine???  An accident of the WORST degree right there in the hallway, just in time for new flame Barney to come and slip on probably breaking a hip??  Oh my heavenly stars....no, no, no, no....must rush, must make it....clench dammit, CLENCH!
Success!  Door is closed.  Barney's outside sucking on a cancer stick.  Betty's on the Loo.  Heaving a giant sigh of relief, trusty bottle of 'Just A Drop' ready, she relaxes and prepares to set free the threatening enemy lurking in her innards.
Nothing.
Nada.
Nietke.
Bupkus.
WHAAAAAAAT????  Where is it????  She gives an experimental push.....yep....it's there.....but for some reason playing hard to get now!  NOOOOO!!!  This is a time limited offer sports fans!!  It's gotta happen NOW dammit!!!  Barney will be back in minutes!!!  So our girl Betty makes the big mistake.  She PUSHES with everything she's got!  Oh sure.....the missile launches and everything.......she gets away with it......then I get the call a couple of days later.
'Errm....Jess, I need to ask you a question....it's regarding my bumhole.....'

So sports fans, do you know what happened?  Any guesses?  Well sure as shinola our intrepid heroine gave herself a HEMORRHOID!!!  Her first!!  How sad.......cause ya know...once one makes an appearance....well the rest is history.

What have we learned here today?  Well, one MUST keep certain things private and sacred in order to preserve the sexiness and mystique.  I'm not saying commence Poop contests asap with your man to see who can out-poop the other....hey Babe...you GOTTA see this!!!  No, no, no.....BUT......one MUST get an understanding that the humans involved in this new relationship poop.  And other stuff.  Stuff that involves going off on your own for a little sequestered time in the piddly diddly department.  Tell him, darling, I need to go take care of some cute, girly stuff in the Loo....would you mind leaving?  Or perhaps turning the TV up?  Whistling maybe?  Just so I'm able to do what I need to do....?  Thanks. 
You're a pet. 
Meet you in the bedroom in 12 minutes!
muahhh!