Invent your own Mr. & Mrs. Flintstone!

And when I say 'loosen the bone Wilma' I mean it.  So here it is, I have taken the plunge and moved in with my lovely and talented boyfriend.  What's the biggie you ask?  People be doing this alllllll the time!  Ahhhhh but are they doing it using their noggins is MY question, or are they following the 'expected rules' dictated by the media, society, Andy Capp and Archie Bunker? 

My longtime and cherised friend who I affectionately call Gaye inspired this here little blog on said topic.  I was outlining to her the strategies and logistics I've applied to my recent state of cohabitation to which she responded, 'it's so inspiring and so "well-done". I think people are mistaken in the notion that when it's "meant to be" it just :all falls together:. It takes proper planning and thoughtful consideration to each others' unique needs - and sensitive awareness of logical adaptations required when a couple faces such environmental changes. You guys have managed to not forget to remain "smart" while still being in love - and you've come out on top.'

Mr. Right and I are in our mid 40's. This implies some set in our ways type of mentality. Personally, I've lived alone for the last 12 years and it's been 6 years for His Nibs. We both enjoy our own space and spending quality time alone. We like to watch whatever nonsense catches our fancy on the tube and of course the ever popular free wheeling flatulence in the privacy of your own home game!

You know what I'm saying. That unique behavior reserved for when there's nobody else around or at least within earshot! Of course moving in with somebody does a Helluva clipping your wings number! The change and adjustment is brutal and often couples never really get used to it. Time passes, they muddle along trying to 'make the best of it' but it doesn't gel. There's our old friend 'Buried Resentment' and his wingman 'Passive Aggressive Acting Out' to contend with. We've all encountered these villains that's a certainty. So I decided  'screw that' - this is the last relationship I'm having.  I'm going to be HAPPY with this man and I plan on doing everything I can to make that happen.

Let me start with the whole 'sleeping together' gig. Really? Are we still insisting that this is the 'preferred' way to go? I'm against it on all levels and I'll tell you why.  Now before anyone gets their pantaloonies in a knot I have a disclaimer.  If you happen to be a member of the RARE and I do mean RARE couple who are BOTH HONESTLY happily sleeping together and getting their quality sleep then you can skip this part.  It amazes me how many people, both men and women, will not cop to the fact they wish they could have the bed to themselves.  There seems to be some kind of shame associated with this.  Some kind of aspersion cast upon your relationship.  If you'd actually rather get a good night's sleep in your own bed and just meet in one for shenanigans and high jinx then apparently your relationship has failed!  Says WHOM exactly??? I cannot fathom where this logic came from to be honest.  For

centuries couples slept separately. In this day and age the couples I know that are the happiest (again with the exception of those three couples on the planet actually sleeping well together) and having the best sex are the ones that sleep apart! Now if you're sleeping apart then it would be safe to say you're lucky enough to have the space to be able to do so.  It would also be safe to say that everyone has space for their 'stuff'!  See now two major battle fields have been removed.  One is the always whinging about his/her stuff being all over the place, hogging the closet, crowding the drawers, and the shoes!  Shoes from here to Alburque!  If you can my Lovelies, keep your stuff separate.  You need your own closets, your own drawers, your own MIRROR.  Another source of contention is the 'sleepus interruptus' issue.  Usually it's a snoring thing, but there are SOOOOOO many ways somebody can make sure you ain't gettin' any serious shut eye!  Teeth grinding.  A human furnace next to you.  Feet from Antarctica that surface only in the middle of the night and often end up in the vicinity of somebody's scrotum.  The Jimmy Leg.  The twitchers, the talkers, the flippers, the bed hogs.  I personally prefer starfish position right smack dab in the middle of the bed myself!  How are two people expected to achieve REM under these conditions??? 

You're plotting his demise while you're awake and he's blissfully snoring a horn section next to you - you are - admit it!  Then there's the TV and subsequent Battle of the Remote.  Now be realistic.  How can a man and woman always want to watch the same shows?  Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, there's the exceptions.....although there's a hint of sharing a brain involved but I digress.......men and women don't like the same shite.  It's a fact.  There's the movies of course, we can negotiate those, the odd show here and there that can be shared......but wouldn't you like to just watch whatever the Hell you want?  When you want?  And everyone is happy?  Again, I know not everyone can accomodate these logistics and they have to try and find a way to make it work.  What I'm saying is that every couple is unique, you've got two people with different needs and habits.  We can meet in the middle on some, but why do we have to meld into one store front dummy?   

And why do we have to feel guilty that following the 'norm' (which is total bollocks anyhow) doesn't actually create a state of couple bliss?  There just isn't a generic blueprint.  There isn't, and expecting there to be one is setting yourself up for failure Missus.  People might say what about intimacy?  I say if you're unhappy with the conditions you're living in and sleep deprived, intimacy is on the last train to Clarksville anyhow!

My recipe was simple.  Me and the Big Fella used to see each other once on a week night and then every weekend.  We had lives independent of each other.  Friends and family to maintain.  Alone time to enjoy.  We made the decision to move in together but we were both facing a colossal shift in our routines; it was pretty scary truth be told.  Hence my implementation of Operation Stay Together without Killing Each Other. 

We have a townhouse, that means three floors and two bedrooms.  I set up the basement as a lovely parlour/office for me and the living room on the main floor essentially his.  The main living room is where we schedule our 'weekly date night' to hook up and watch some TV or a movie or what have you.  We have dinner together pretty much every night but then there's four nights we go our separate ways. Weekends are always together - that's a given.  Then we have our separate bedrooms.  Here's where I lose a whole bunch of you, I know.  Well we schedule 'date nights' or 'date afternoons' or 'date just cause we both fancy it' time in the master bedroom.  Yes the master bedroom is mine.  Duh. 

 The rest of the time we're sleeping blissfully in our own beds!  He gets up earlier than I do so nobody is getting disturbed.  He can waddle about all by himself doing his morning ablutions in perfect solitude.  I get to do the same once I get up.   

I've seen the squinty looks I get when they don't think I'm watching.  Some people will mutter in hushed pessimistic tones...'that's not a good relationship'.......'Herbert and I couldn's possibly sleep APART....it's just wrong!'...and various and sundry.  Bottom line is it works.  It works for US  - it's lovely and exciting and comfortable and respectful. 

Whether you are living together, married, new or going on long term.  Whether you have a big house, a cubby hole apartment, children underfoot or other people living with you.  You owe it to yourselves to come up with your OWN blueprint that works specifically for you.  Forget what it's 'supposed' to look like.  Scrap that!  Ultimately we want to be happy in our relationships and happy in our homes.  Maybe it means just making sure you've got ONE night a week that's just for you.  Or making sure to 'schedule' some nooky in order to fit it in to crazy schedules.  There's no 'right' or 'wrong' way.  Just do what you need to do and the rest will take care of itself.  

From myself and my Beau.......Happy Cohabitation to one and all!  And if you're currently flying solo then don't waste time wishing you weren't.  LIVE.  Enjoy.  It's not a dress rehearsal.....make it count. 

xoxo

PRIDE.....an ever mystical entity with many faces

Hello my Lovelies!

It has been a whole CENTURY since I've penned a blog but I'm back!  It's 2010, what a majestic number that seems.  A 'New Year' frought with all the expectation and hope it always brings.  Sometimes it doesn't bring that, sometimes it seems to loom threateningly around the next corner like the Boogyman and you feel only dread and trepidation. I wonder how yours feels? I always think, well okay, that's that year done, now let's see about this one. Like most things, it will be what we make it. In all honesty over the past month I've felt as though I've completely lost the plot. I was struck down in my high heels by a veritable Ninja Virus that lodged in my sinuses and continues to make camp. You bet I've done any and all good things to fight and kill it, alas and alack, to no avail. Resorting to antibiotics in the fourth week was a tough decision but one that seemed necessary.

  A week after finishing said sketchy drugs I remain sick.  I am functioning yet the phlegm children are still alive and well in my head.  We are pressing on regardless and continuing all efforts.  It can't last forever, right?  RIGHT.



So pride. I had a conversation with somebody who I hold excrutiatingly dear to my heart today about that very thing. Very tricky is pride. The way I see it there's pride and there's dignity. Dignity I'm a huge fan of, pride......not so much.

Taking pride in something is one thing, allowing pride to colour your behavior, something I am guilty of on many occasions, frowned upon.

Honesty.  Now there's one I'm eternally fond of.  Not always an easy choice but it's hands down almost (and I do say almost) always the right one.  Pride can sneakily weave its way around the truth and distort it or hide it altogether. 

For example, if you're witholding truths about yourself because you're embarassed by them and pride dictates you conceal them, things are most assuredly pear shaped.  The truth of the matter is that who you are is the one thing you must have pride in.  It doesn't matter about what you have, what you don't, or that you wish your situation were different.  The person you are IS the greatness and we must try our damndest to remember that as the reality. Never feel you have to apologize for who you are.  Being honest with dignity trumps pride everytime.  This beloved person I spoke to is a truly great woman.  She has struggled and faced many, many hurdles as have all of us.  She presses on.  She's hard on  herself, not really seeing all her wonderful triumphs at times.  There are small ones and big ones but they are many.  Worrying about how someone else may see her because of things that are not to her liking saddens me.  To me she is magnificent.  To an unknowing world she is magnificent.  That is the dignified truth.

Time for a New Year's Resolution?  Yeah yeah I know.....enough already with all that rubbish. But why not?  Here's one I'm going to strive for.  Focusing on my triumphs and letting the failures slip away. That is what will give you the balls to keep at it!   The fact that we have failed at something only means we tried.  It requires strength and courage and hope to make effort, all things to be proud of.  The results were not as we wanted?  Fine.  The fact that we aspired to something at all is a win.  And we continue to move forward, some days it's absolute shite.  You just can't be bloody bothered to make any more effort.  Other days it feels like 'I can do anything....or at least I can make a really epic effort toward it.'  The point of the matter is.....you are your best work, and there's a HELLUVA lot of greatness there.....take a moment and adjust your head space to the right channel.

Until next time.....stay strong and represent.  Here's a little snapshot of a rather peculiar gift my sister and I received Xmas Day.......they're 'juicers'.....you be the judge.

FRENCH KISSING under the mistletoe and other healthy passtimes.......HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Hellooooooo!!!  I know, I know....I've been a total slack ass!  What with moving parental units, renting apartments, packing, shopping, oh and of course vacations in sunny climes.....well I've been spread a tad thin!  Now we have Christmas looming in a DAY no less!  Ahhh the joy!  The bliss!  Come on now......show me the joy and the bliss dammit!! There you go......slap on that smile until you mean it!  Seems this time of year gets so bloody lost under a toxic waste pile of stress, money issues, traffic jams and some rather nefarious criminal types driving in mall parking lots (you know who you are)!  My darlings PLEASE try as hard as you can to STOP and take a moment.  Center yourself.

 This is a magical time of year and it's up to US to make sure we feel it.  Choose magic over madness.  I know it may seem rather impossible, but it will be gone so soon and if you don't get some joy into your belly then you'll be feeling mighty blue come Janauary. 
You know what I did?  Glad you asked.  I had to do my wrapping, right?  Right.  And yes I went the gift bag route and dollar store way big time, but I set up the wrapping occasion differently.  I made myself a lovely steaming cup of hot chocolate (light of course), burned some 'Winter' essential oil from Bath & Body (this stuff hits you in the face like a big old holiday wet towel - phenomenal!) and then.....I purposely played Xmas music!!  As a matter of a fact it's STILL playing. 

Funnily enough it didn't affect me the same way it does in stores.....like making me wanna wring a dirty martini out of somebody's neck......it was pleasant!  And I wrapped.  I even bypassed some gift bags once I got into it......went the old fashion route.  Bows, ribbons, lovely name tags, added some Bailey's to the chocolate (NOT light of course)........it was fun and for the first time really, I FELT the holidays.  And not in that bowel clenching, hands shaking, gut wrenching way either!  It was simply quite lovely.  The gifts got wrapped, the time passed happily and I finally felt the presence of Santa (or some fat guy in a red suit stuck in my imaginary chimney!)  But seriously, whatever it takes, DO it.  I rant and rant about looking out for number one and how essential it is in order to have a happy, healthy life.  Your gift to yourself this year?  Self love.....(you're thinking batteries aren't you?) but whatever.  Be kind to yourself, be nice to yourself, be loving to yourself and give yourself a much deserved break.  Be IN the moment, enjoy the holiday and whatever it means to you.  Just STOP and do it.  And yes, that is an order. 
My love to you all and yours for a happy, healthy and safe holiday this year.  Do it like you mean it!

Best Wishes from me and mine! XOXOXO