FRENCH KISSING under the mistletoe and other healthy passtimes.......HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Hellooooooo!!!  I know, I know....I've been a total slack ass!  What with moving parental units, renting apartments, packing, shopping, oh and of course vacations in sunny climes.....well I've been spread a tad thin!  Now we have Christmas looming in a DAY no less!  Ahhh the joy!  The bliss!  Come on now......show me the joy and the bliss dammit!! There you go......slap on that smile until you mean it!  Seems this time of year gets so bloody lost under a toxic waste pile of stress, money issues, traffic jams and some rather nefarious criminal types driving in mall parking lots (you know who you are)!  My darlings PLEASE try as hard as you can to STOP and take a moment.  Center yourself.

 This is a magical time of year and it's up to US to make sure we feel it.  Choose magic over madness.  I know it may seem rather impossible, but it will be gone so soon and if you don't get some joy into your belly then you'll be feeling mighty blue come Janauary. 
You know what I did?  Glad you asked.  I had to do my wrapping, right?  Right.  And yes I went the gift bag route and dollar store way big time, but I set up the wrapping occasion differently.  I made myself a lovely steaming cup of hot chocolate (light of course), burned some 'Winter' essential oil from Bath & Body (this stuff hits you in the face like a big old holiday wet towel - phenomenal!) and then.....I purposely played Xmas music!!  As a matter of a fact it's STILL playing. 

Funnily enough it didn't affect me the same way it does in stores.....like making me wanna wring a dirty martini out of somebody's neck......it was pleasant!  And I wrapped.  I even bypassed some gift bags once I got into it......went the old fashion route.  Bows, ribbons, lovely name tags, added some Bailey's to the chocolate (NOT light of course)........it was fun and for the first time really, I FELT the holidays.  And not in that bowel clenching, hands shaking, gut wrenching way either!  It was simply quite lovely.  The gifts got wrapped, the time passed happily and I finally felt the presence of Santa (or some fat guy in a red suit stuck in my imaginary chimney!)  But seriously, whatever it takes, DO it.  I rant and rant about looking out for number one and how essential it is in order to have a happy, healthy life.  Your gift to yourself this year?  Self love.....(you're thinking batteries aren't you?) but whatever.  Be kind to yourself, be nice to yourself, be loving to yourself and give yourself a much deserved break.  Be IN the moment, enjoy the holiday and whatever it means to you.  Just STOP and do it.  And yes, that is an order. 
My love to you all and yours for a happy, healthy and safe holiday this year.  Do it like you mean it!

Best Wishes from me and mine! XOXOXO

THE SUCCULENT BANANA EATING CONTEST...and other fun holiday tips!

Well a headline is supposed to grab your attention!!!  So tick tick holidays are UPON us my Lovelies!  Already there are parties going down everywhere!  Some of us survive.....some of us....meh...not so much!  And of course considering it's a winter wonderland outside......HAT HEAD is back in town!  Plenty of plunging necklines abounding...in spite of the cold weather...that's what I like to see!  Let the girls out my intrepid little sex kittens!  And I know you're busy like a cockaroach......shopping, running to and fro, no time for good hair......and what to wear?  WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR???  I've heard your cries.  Here are some ideas to ease your plight.

Want to wear a low cut dress to a holiday party....and why wouldn't you????  Go big or go home, here are some tips to make your decollete look fabulous!  First, prep skin by exfoliating with a moisturizing body scrub.  St. Ives has a whole bunch of cheap and excellent products in this category, but any will do.  To enhance cleavage, apply a shimmery lotion from the clavicle down, followed by a dab of  cream highlighter over the top of the breasts.  Finish with a dusting of bronzing powder in the center of your chest.  Now ladies, bear in mind, you don't want your chest looking like George Hamilton's bum and your face like Marilyn Manson's! 

Think consistency in colour!  And blend, blend, blend!  A super quick way to get a nice looking pair of tatas peeping out at your fans is to just dust some bronzing powder BETWEEN the girls......instantly adds drama and depth, which in this situation, is a good thing!

And along with winter fun and games comes the dreaded HAT.  Even if it's not cold and you're wearing it because you have to...they're so fun!  All those different styles, shapes, colours......playing matchy matchy with your scarf and mittens....sigh......such happy times.  Alas......the removal of the hat can be downright UGLY!  Oh yeah..you know what I'm talking about missus.  Off comes the chapeau and voila!  Phyllis Diller!!

To keep hair sleek and smooth, prep with styling cream (if you have thick hair) or hairspray (if you have finer hair) and spritz the inside of your hat with Static Guard before putting it on!  That's the million dollar tip right there...this time of year you cannot have too much Static Guard.  Big can at home and ALWAYS a purse size in your handbag.  To maintain your hair's volume, twist hair at the crown and pile it into a loose bun under you cap (use bobby pins rather than elastics to prevent scrinchy creases).  When you're ready for the unveiling, flip your head upside down (make sure you have enough space to do this - unconscious with head trauma never a festive look) and shake loose with your fingers.  And here's a quickie solution: Simply switch the direction of your part once you have removed the offending coconut cover! 

Hung like bull???  Too many Dirty Martinis with the cute guy from the I.T. department?  And you only drank said cocktails cause you like the name, don't lie you little minx!!  Yeah well sometimes hangovers happen to good people.  There are definitely ways to prevent and lessen the little bastards PLUS be wary of all those yummy little party snacks!  Naturally NOT drinking is the best way...and if you're good with that....party on dude (oh and could I get a lift New Years Eve??)!  If you'd like to indulge in a little liquor and get through the nibbles guilt free -  then listen up.
Snack on half a banana or a quarter of an avocado beforehand.  The potassium balances the sodium intake in all those bloat inducing appetizers.  I will actually have my morning Protein Shake before going out.....kills all the birds with one stone!  Discriminate!  Mix and match your proteins, carbs and fats so they add up to one mini meal.  Munch on a chicken skewer, a spinach ball and a spoonful of guacamole.  NEVER have two drinks in a row.  One drink - one glass of water.  The main reason you're feeling like badger's arse the next day is because you're dehydrated.  Although having a couple of big glasses of water before bed WILL help.......being really well hydrated going IN is a helluva lot more effective!  You should be taking Milk Thistle anyhow, it's a natural herbal supplement that helps your liver regenerate.  And it doesn't mean if you don't drink your liver couldn't use the help.  Your liver can ALWAYS use the help.  The morning after?  LIMIT the caffeine...I know you're reaching for that, but trust me Zsa Zsa....it will make matters worse. 

You need WATER, and probably some sugar...NO NOT A DOUGHNUT......fruit!  Natural sugars.....some protein water perhaps.  Spritz Sprayology's Party Relief ($20; sprayology.com) under your tongue the next morning.  Ingredients such as charcoal and red pepper help fight headaches, dehydration and more. 
Something else you can add to your favorite holiday cocktail is frozen berries as ice cubes!  Not only is it totally fabulous and diva looking, but you get the kick ass health benefits!  The berries are loaded with age-defying anti-oxidants and heart healthy fibre! 

And then there's the fact that you're the Tasmanian Devil in tights this time of year.  Maintaining fabulous hair 24-7 not very realistic.  You can bring second day hair back to life by breaking up oil at the roots!  Saturate a cotton ball with alcohol based facial astringent and dab it along your hairline and part to soak up scalp sebum.  Flip your hair over and blow dry roots - whammo!  Brand new hair....again! 

Going for third day lucky?  Why not, time for an 'up-do' anyhow!  Mist hair with flexible-hold spray, tease the crown and gather into bun.  Against the syncronized swimmer look?  The ever popular and ever chic ponytail will NEVER let you down!  Try something a little different as a fastener.  Same colour fabric band as your hair, something a little sparkly......hang some mistetoe from it!!  There you have three days of great hair. 

Need a new party outfit in a hurry and outta funds? No problem.  You can mix and match from your own cupboard.  My tried and true is BLACK.  Let's see, which shade of black will I be wearing.  Find a nice pair of black pants and a pretty black blouse or silky tee.  To make it fabulous just add some eye catching jewerly, a showstopper necklace becomes the centre of attention.  Skip the necklace, sweep up your hair and wear some elaborate chandelier earrings!  And don't forget your shoes!  Add ooomph and zazazoo to your look with a splash of colour - one does want a splash of colour - with some hot pink pumps, or sequined boots! 

Your face is another prime resource for creating a stunning and seemingly brand new look!  Add some sparkly eye shadow to the upper lid, use a shimmery paler lip gloss to bring attention to your mouth.  Don't forget to rim the inside of your lower eye lid with an opaque bright white pencil.  That's the trick of all those soap stars that always look so UBER bright eyed and awake!  A dusting of pink blush to the apples of your cheeks is a pretty look on just about everyone. 
But your best, never fail accessory?  A big fat chiclets for teeth smile!  Never scrimp on those......
Cheers!

THE HOLIDAYS - A BOO-HOO FREE ZONE!

Yep, it's that time again, the HOLIDAYS.  For some people it really is a happy time, all that celebrating, getting together, exchanging gifts, spending time with your significant other snuggled up in front of a crackling fire.  If you have a crackling fire of course, but snuggled up somewhere.  Perhaps wearing Santa hats...you get the picture.....LE ROMANCE!  But alas.....there is a gigantic (no seriously, gigantic) number of people who find themselves single and sad at the holidays.

Now the single part is one thing...the sad part? A completely different story. I spent 10 Xmas's alone in a stretch at one point. Sure there were some dalliances in between, but when it came down to the crunch and the mistletoe was hanging.....I was solo with no Shite in Whining Armour! So you're single and feel like a loser. STOP IT NOW! Being single is not a punishment, although sometimes we feel as though it is. Why? WHYYYY??? Why can't we find somebody? What is WRONG with us?

  The holidays seem to really distort the negative connotations of being alone but my Lovelies I promise you, it does NOT have to be that way.  We tend to forget our choices.  Our state of mind IS always at our command you know.  My mother has a saying 'it's all in the way you hold your mouth'......which is very profound if not somewhat bizarre.  I'm always saying what you project is what people see, but there's a version of that which is projected INWARDS.  If you've decided it sucks to be single at the holidays then guess what?  It will.  You HAVE the choice.  We tend to lose the plot at times, forgetting the value of our lives and our time.  This is not a rehearsal, it's the real thing.  Every day matters, you do not have an endless supply.  Glomming about moaning and wailing about how lonely you are, or that there's nobody out there for you, or that your hymen may grow back.......WASTED!  The reality of that is it is total self-indulgent rubbish.  Okay, okay....sure I've done the glomming and the moaning and wondered at the state of said hymen......but you must not allow yourself to drown in this pit of despair.  A moment here or there......a passing thought, 'oh wouldn't it be nice to have some hunky fella to buy hideous willy sweaters for'.....but then it is imperative you shake it off!  Okay so you don't have a partner, mooning about it changes nothing and makes you less attractive to any potential yummy blokes that could be lurking around the next corner.

The holidays are a happy time.  They simply are and it is your duty and obligation to yourself to make sure YOUR holidays are exactly that.  YOU deserve the happiness and the enjoyment of this special time.  So bloody what if you are alone?  You have family, you have friends, you have pets, you have your shoe collection......relish these things!  Be kind to yourself, show yourself a good time.  Watch 'Love Actually' over and over.  The best possible thing you could do about the hunt for Prince Charming?  Forget about it.  Refocus your energies INWARDS.  Love YOU....and if that requires batteries from time to time.....mazeltov!  Do fun things, be with the people you love, they are your significant others.  Spoil yourself!  You'll hear some twit raving about the spectacular diamond heart shaped necklace her 'Hunnie' got her for Xmas.....yeah yeah yeah....blah blah blah.....WHATEVERRRRR........get YOU something spectacular!  A spay day.  Manicures and Pedicures. That flaming red, black, gold, turqoise, silver, skull head Ed Hardy purse that calls your name softly while you sleep!  Pay for that Yoga course.  From you to you. 

And what if you just don't want to participate?  You're over it, you'd rather set your hair on fire than be here for Xmas or New Years?  Fine.  LEAVE!  Go somewhere else!  The essential thing to remember is YOU are the one in charge of either making it a lovely holiday and building happy memories, or humping about a proper Poopie Pants.  Your call missus.

 I'm not kidding.  Make a decision and follow through.  L'Oreal knows.......YOU'RE WORTH IT.  Unless you don't think so, in which case......it's gonna be glum chum.  Please don't allow that. 

And if you need a reality check?  Go to a soup kitchen at Christmas.  Volunteer New Years Day at a homeless shelter.  THAT will put things back into perspective pretty damn fast my little Cocopuffs. 

Misery loves company......stay clear of those negative energy suckers that will only bring you down.  That's THEIR problem, not yours...you will rise above that tripe.  Go where it's fun.  Go to the places that make you happy. Do the things that make you smile. Be with the people that make you laugh.  DON'T drink yourelf into a stupor and wake up with a pinched nerve and chocolate cake vomit on your flannel nightie.  Oh and just a word of advice, take a pass on the glittery, sequined holiday G-Strings as well....nothing says Happy New Year like a hangove and a rubbed raw anus.  Not so much.

It's the holidays - BE HAPPY - that's an order.