OLD NAVY - no, I'm serious

I really had to add this little snippet of a blog.  I've made a couple of trips to my nearby Old Navy store lately and wanted to report the following.  YOU GOTTA GO!  For real, have you been lately?  I mean they've got some cool stuff, all that comfy, colour coordinated loungy type stuff that I ADORE....but their LIQUIDATION section???  It's STUPIDLY fantastic!  We're all on a budget, at least everyone I know is.....but one must do their part for the economy while keeping ourselves in snazzy comfy clothes.  I bought three tops today, NICE ones too, black, green and a sort of cafe au lait one.....wonderful fabrics, lovely on the skin, loose fitting.....well you get the picture.  It cost me $16!! One at $8, one at $5 and one at $3!!!!  If that's not wacked on Scooby Snacks I don't know what is my darlings......so I got to shop......spend like NO money.....walk across a parking lot merrily swinging my shopping bag....and go home and put them all on!  None of this with any guilt!! 
I thought I'd share that fun little event with you.....Old Navy....big fun and stupid little prices.  In the LIQUIDATION section remember......go on then.  Off you pop.

Oh and you know what else?  The salespeople are vair vair cool too.  Bonus.

UTTER NONSENSE - the dignified unemployed.

Utter nonsense would be the only way to describe that little episode.  So as you may or may not know I am currently considered 'unemployed'.  I was politely laid off a couple of months ago which felt like winning the lottery to be frank.  Wonderful opportunity, taking full advantage of it, nattering away with you lot every day yadda yadda yadda.  Now part of being unemployed often involves receiving unemployment - with me so far?  So I am one of those people who will receive said compensation.  Ultimately. 
During the last couple of months I had an 'Ah ha' moment (thanks Oprah) and realized I really really REEEEEEALLY wanted to become a massage therapist!  Oh yeah....big time....all kinds!  So off I went to research and sort myself out.  Done and done.  Know where I'm going, how much (not free that's for sure) and when.  Fabulous.  I then contact the unemployment people who have sent me several mystifying form letters, and encrypted secret agent type communication telling me all sorts of things I'm not really clear on.  One of them was 'Hey you unemployed person - take a course and we'll extend your benefits!'  Sounds reasonable.  Of course there are some restrictions - OF COURSE THERE ARE - something about not having collected in the last 10 years.....it's been 28 years since I collected so I'm good on that score.  And having contributed to unemployment insurance during that time.....oh yeah baby...in SPADES!  So I'm golden.  I call them.  hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha........ahhhhhh that was interesting.  I was told I had to go to the office to get the forms then meet with somebody to discuss. 
Righto, so today, off I pop to the office!  Not so bad, about 15 people waiting.  I had visions of 100's of people covered in cobwebs and long beards.  So I take my number, lucky number 14, they are now serving number 7, and sit down.  I of course have brought items to busy myself with so that I look important and terribly occupied at all times!  So what if it's my agenda and I'm writing a grocery list.  I wait 45 minutes which again, no cobwebs nor beards involved.  I'm okay with this so far.  I reiterate............SO FAR.
I sashay up to my woman who's waiting patiently behind her bullet proof glass cubicle.....I'm not saying it's actually bullet proof but it really looked it.  That's all I'm saying.  So I plaster on a big shit eating grin and say HELLO!  I believe she grunted.  Maybe.  Oh well.....I can see from her enlarged neck she's probably suffering with some thyroid issues therefore not feeling fresh as a daisy's ass today.  I launch into my explanation.  She squints back at me through slitted eyes....also looking rather puffy.....hmmm....perhaps a little liver malfunction.....she clearly needs more water and vitamins in her life....  So ANYWAYYYYYY.........she informs I need to fill a form and return the form and then make an appointment to see somebody.  But there's an SOP for this. Standard Operating Procedure my little Lamb Chops, SOP's......it goes like this:
1.  Take the form to fill out and LEAVE the building.  You actually DO have to leave with it, there will be no filling it out there, here's why,
2.  You cannot hand in your filled out form on the same day, you must come BACK with your form to hand in.
3.  Once you come back on  said different day and hand in your form, THEN you will be given an appointment on ANOTHER day to return once more to discuss!

Now is it just me or does this sound rather spastic??  I mean not such an enormous bother for me as I'm lucky enough to have a car and am able to trundle all over town at their behest.  I'm thinking what about the people who are taking buses or walking or what have you?  What a colossol pain in the sphynctre this particular SOP is!!!  Holy Crap!  Wait with a number for the form.  Leave to fill out form. Come back on different day to hand in form.  Get assigned appointment, come back on different day for appointment.  There is a minimum three day commitment to this endeavor!  So I in all my wisdomosity asked her why. 
She blinked.  Twice.  Then she looked at me as though I'd asked her to heave her monumental bottom onto her desk and dance the Hula.  In drag. 
She blinked some more and turned to the person working next to her and asked HER what the reason was......I'm thinking that mayhap nobody has put this question to them before judging from the apoplectic reaction.

I quickly decide NOT to alienate my Unemployment Clerk any further and tell her...it's OK...I'm sure YOU don't make the rules!  No worries!  See you tomorrow with my form!!

There's one woman who was mightily glad to see the back of me.  She actually mopped her brow as I walked away.  I waved a cheery good bye just to mess with her. 

Thought I'd share that little experience with you.
Good times.

My inner chick is wearing high heels - A LITTLE SNEAK PEAK AT THE BOOK!

Although a fun title - really nothing at all to do with this post!  HA!  Just keeping you on your toes my Lovelies!  So here's the skinny; in the midst of moving and packing and using my super power (organizing) to its fullest....I find myself spread a tad thin.  So I thought hey....how about throwing around some excerpts from my book????  Perhaps ya'll (and that would be my inner Oprah) would fancy a gander?  Let's see.....what chapter......I KNOW!  We'll do a little smidgen of 'Datinig' and then perhaps even a little smidgen of the highly controversial 'SEX' chapter later on!!! OOOOooooooooh aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! 
Here you go - enjoy!
(did you walk your 12 minutes today????)
(drink your water????)
(smile while putting on your blusher???)

DATING

First dates. Number one rule that must always be obeyed; do not get legless drunk. I don’t think we really need to go into the why and wherefores here do we missus? No we don’t.


First dates should be in a neutral territory, somewhere comfortable both physically and mentally. Going zip lining on your first date - a bit much. Having said that if you’re a real outdoorsy, athletic type who would love that experience and so is the guy, then go balls to the walls! It’s just the type of thing that throws all the contrived rubbish away and you’re both pretty much yourselves. I remember a chap that I really fancied finally asking me out. I was thrilled! Then he called me up and suggested we go to the Scandinavian indoor/outdoor baths for the day! I appreciated the fact that he’d put some thought into it, but getting into a bathing suit on a first date?? Way too much information for me! A first date is a daunting experience no matter what, it’s important not to add elements that will make it more so. Try to stick to comfort zones. Once you’ve established some camaraderie then off you pop to the Polar Bear Club!


Remember comfort begins with what you’re wearing. A first date is NOT the time to wear something that will have you yanking, limping, tugging, fidgeting or anything else that makes you look afflicted. Unless your first date is an aerobics class no gym clothes. You CAN pair some nice yoga pants with a pretty top of course, but you don’t want to look like an extra from the Jane Fonda Workout video. Contrarily swooping across a room dressed like one of the cast of Dynasty - not so much either. Dress the part and that part is you - back to being yourself. Think about where you will be and what you’ll be doing. If you’re sitting quietly somewhere then your clothes need to be cooperative in the sitting comfortably department. As a rule of thumb, it’s never a good idea to where something based on the certainty you’ll only be standing. Shit happens. What if you end up sitting? If you’re going to be walking, hiking, climbing then you know what you need to have on your feet. Teetering along painfully whimpering due to sky high heels will not have him down on one knee proposing. He's thinking 'HIGH MAINTENANCE' which is a term I will devote an ENTIRE blog on cause it gives me a big tail!!
Keep the lip gloss to a dull roar, you don't want to put the idea of Adult Film into his head just yet....I'm not saying never....just not first date!  Keep the jewelry down to a minimum.  Nothing too distracting. You want him focused on YOU not trying to apply the rules of physics to your gravity defying earrings. 

There's a taste for you today....more to follow.  In the meantime, while listening to the radio the other day, the Anouncer asked the following: Is it ok if the girl wants to pick out the engagement ring?  Huh.  Interesting question.  Where it all went to Hell in a handbag was when the ANOUNCER proclaimed this girl must be a 'high maintenance BITCH no it was NOT ok'.  Oh boy....we went there did we?  Oh I was pissed alright.  I hadn't even begun to ponder the question.....but the anouncer's dickhead opinion......not so much.  And what's up with the 'B-Bomb'???  I'm not a fan of that word and never will be, I don't even like it applied to the female dog it belongs to.  See here's the thing....there's no real equivalent for the boys.  If he says you're a bitch...you say...what?  Bastard?  He'll laugh.  No sting.  Jerk?  Too cute.  Asshole?  Nahh....he's probably heard it too many times and now thinks it's a compliment.  No real equivalent which takes it OFF the table. 
Picking your own engagement ring.  This Knuckle Head went on to say however that the guy in question who's fiancee wanted to pick the ring had never had any success buying her gifts.  He couldn't seem to get it right.  So I guess she's real nervous about a ring she's going to have on her finger for the rest of her life......I dunno......I'm not saying I'm for this.....I think if you're getting married then he should KNOW his fiancee's tastes.....but more importantly back in the real world....he should know enough to enlist the assistance of her closest friends!!  Hello?

Your thoughts.