Invent your own Mr. & Mrs. Flintstone!

And when I say 'loosen the bone Wilma' I mean it.  So here it is, I have taken the plunge and moved in with my lovely and talented boyfriend.  What's the biggie you ask?  People be doing this alllllll the time!  Ahhhhh but are they doing it using their noggins is MY question, or are they following the 'expected rules' dictated by the media, society, Andy Capp and Archie Bunker? 

My longtime and cherised friend who I affectionately call Gaye inspired this here little blog on said topic.  I was outlining to her the strategies and logistics I've applied to my recent state of cohabitation to which she responded, 'it's so inspiring and so "well-done". I think people are mistaken in the notion that when it's "meant to be" it just :all falls together:. It takes proper planning and thoughtful consideration to each others' unique needs - and sensitive awareness of logical adaptations required when a couple faces such environmental changes. You guys have managed to not forget to remain "smart" while still being in love - and you've come out on top.'

Mr. Right and I are in our mid 40's. This implies some set in our ways type of mentality. Personally, I've lived alone for the last 12 years and it's been 6 years for His Nibs. We both enjoy our own space and spending quality time alone. We like to watch whatever nonsense catches our fancy on the tube and of course the ever popular free wheeling flatulence in the privacy of your own home game!

You know what I'm saying. That unique behavior reserved for when there's nobody else around or at least within earshot! Of course moving in with somebody does a Helluva clipping your wings number! The change and adjustment is brutal and often couples never really get used to it. Time passes, they muddle along trying to 'make the best of it' but it doesn't gel. There's our old friend 'Buried Resentment' and his wingman 'Passive Aggressive Acting Out' to contend with. We've all encountered these villains that's a certainty. So I decided  'screw that' - this is the last relationship I'm having.  I'm going to be HAPPY with this man and I plan on doing everything I can to make that happen.

Let me start with the whole 'sleeping together' gig. Really? Are we still insisting that this is the 'preferred' way to go? I'm against it on all levels and I'll tell you why.  Now before anyone gets their pantaloonies in a knot I have a disclaimer.  If you happen to be a member of the RARE and I do mean RARE couple who are BOTH HONESTLY happily sleeping together and getting their quality sleep then you can skip this part.  It amazes me how many people, both men and women, will not cop to the fact they wish they could have the bed to themselves.  There seems to be some kind of shame associated with this.  Some kind of aspersion cast upon your relationship.  If you'd actually rather get a good night's sleep in your own bed and just meet in one for shenanigans and high jinx then apparently your relationship has failed!  Says WHOM exactly??? I cannot fathom where this logic came from to be honest.  For

centuries couples slept separately. In this day and age the couples I know that are the happiest (again with the exception of those three couples on the planet actually sleeping well together) and having the best sex are the ones that sleep apart! Now if you're sleeping apart then it would be safe to say you're lucky enough to have the space to be able to do so.  It would also be safe to say that everyone has space for their 'stuff'!  See now two major battle fields have been removed.  One is the always whinging about his/her stuff being all over the place, hogging the closet, crowding the drawers, and the shoes!  Shoes from here to Alburque!  If you can my Lovelies, keep your stuff separate.  You need your own closets, your own drawers, your own MIRROR.  Another source of contention is the 'sleepus interruptus' issue.  Usually it's a snoring thing, but there are SOOOOOO many ways somebody can make sure you ain't gettin' any serious shut eye!  Teeth grinding.  A human furnace next to you.  Feet from Antarctica that surface only in the middle of the night and often end up in the vicinity of somebody's scrotum.  The Jimmy Leg.  The twitchers, the talkers, the flippers, the bed hogs.  I personally prefer starfish position right smack dab in the middle of the bed myself!  How are two people expected to achieve REM under these conditions??? 

You're plotting his demise while you're awake and he's blissfully snoring a horn section next to you - you are - admit it!  Then there's the TV and subsequent Battle of the Remote.  Now be realistic.  How can a man and woman always want to watch the same shows?  Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, there's the exceptions.....although there's a hint of sharing a brain involved but I digress.......men and women don't like the same shite.  It's a fact.  There's the movies of course, we can negotiate those, the odd show here and there that can be shared......but wouldn't you like to just watch whatever the Hell you want?  When you want?  And everyone is happy?  Again, I know not everyone can accomodate these logistics and they have to try and find a way to make it work.  What I'm saying is that every couple is unique, you've got two people with different needs and habits.  We can meet in the middle on some, but why do we have to meld into one store front dummy?   

And why do we have to feel guilty that following the 'norm' (which is total bollocks anyhow) doesn't actually create a state of couple bliss?  There just isn't a generic blueprint.  There isn't, and expecting there to be one is setting yourself up for failure Missus.  People might say what about intimacy?  I say if you're unhappy with the conditions you're living in and sleep deprived, intimacy is on the last train to Clarksville anyhow!

My recipe was simple.  Me and the Big Fella used to see each other once on a week night and then every weekend.  We had lives independent of each other.  Friends and family to maintain.  Alone time to enjoy.  We made the decision to move in together but we were both facing a colossal shift in our routines; it was pretty scary truth be told.  Hence my implementation of Operation Stay Together without Killing Each Other. 

We have a townhouse, that means three floors and two bedrooms.  I set up the basement as a lovely parlour/office for me and the living room on the main floor essentially his.  The main living room is where we schedule our 'weekly date night' to hook up and watch some TV or a movie or what have you.  We have dinner together pretty much every night but then there's four nights we go our separate ways. Weekends are always together - that's a given.  Then we have our separate bedrooms.  Here's where I lose a whole bunch of you, I know.  Well we schedule 'date nights' or 'date afternoons' or 'date just cause we both fancy it' time in the master bedroom.  Yes the master bedroom is mine.  Duh. 

 The rest of the time we're sleeping blissfully in our own beds!  He gets up earlier than I do so nobody is getting disturbed.  He can waddle about all by himself doing his morning ablutions in perfect solitude.  I get to do the same once I get up.   

I've seen the squinty looks I get when they don't think I'm watching.  Some people will mutter in hushed pessimistic tones...'that's not a good relationship'.......'Herbert and I couldn's possibly sleep APART....it's just wrong!'...and various and sundry.  Bottom line is it works.  It works for US  - it's lovely and exciting and comfortable and respectful. 

Whether you are living together, married, new or going on long term.  Whether you have a big house, a cubby hole apartment, children underfoot or other people living with you.  You owe it to yourselves to come up with your OWN blueprint that works specifically for you.  Forget what it's 'supposed' to look like.  Scrap that!  Ultimately we want to be happy in our relationships and happy in our homes.  Maybe it means just making sure you've got ONE night a week that's just for you.  Or making sure to 'schedule' some nooky in order to fit it in to crazy schedules.  There's no 'right' or 'wrong' way.  Just do what you need to do and the rest will take care of itself.  

From myself and my Beau.......Happy Cohabitation to one and all!  And if you're currently flying solo then don't waste time wishing you weren't.  LIVE.  Enjoy.  It's not a dress rehearsal.....make it count. 

xoxo